Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
FRED: right
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.