My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
you will never know the true number of layers
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life