Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
seems like a niche market
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?