Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.