Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Only Americans understand
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…