Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
This line from Airplane.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.