Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Just a phase…
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex