“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
how to have an accident 101
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.