*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
how much for the angry fruit?
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.