Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me