The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
You Might Also Like
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.