1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.