“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I forgot how to panic. Help
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My patience has stretch marks.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage