CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”