ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent