“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Thursday Thought.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now