70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
adam and eve had first world problems
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
is this how new cars are made??
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
(Gaming support cat.)
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”