me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
You Might Also Like
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.