One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.