I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor