[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH