What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”