I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.