[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
This was a bad idea all around
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive