Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.