I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!