Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.