shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Can’t stop laughing
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.