Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Cardio Made Easy
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
THIS HEADLINE
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
the answer was staring at me all along
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.