I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know