College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
set yourself free xox
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!