Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]