every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Okay me first
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
This one’s “Alex”.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…