You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.