Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.