If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
You Might Also Like
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture