[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
You Might Also Like
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Venn
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun