*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
DOOO EEEET
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT