[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.