Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”