Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]