Me, scrolling to find my birth year
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards