How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.