3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism