Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
You Might Also Like
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
hackers play passwordle
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
all bases covered
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.