No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.