If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Beauty and the Beast
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?