Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I鈥檓 installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it鈥檚 time to wrap this up.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
*puts my mental health in rice
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she鈥檒l find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn鈥檛 want to share her cake. I鈥檓 torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
馃槀馃槀
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
hey man i鈥檓 really worried about you.. your mum said you haven鈥檛 been looking after your gutbiome ?
Get you a man who isn鈥檛 really into movies: He鈥檒l never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
a house doesn鈥檛 have to be haunted to scare me, I鈥檝e seen the listing prices.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*