Ah yes. The three genders
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]