“Great, now I have to pee.”
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Sing it!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this